Daily Diary 108

I hate my self. I have never felt so useless, and so lost. I take one step forward only to take ten back. I think something good is going to happen and I am just let down every time. I keep thinking well if only I had started doing something about it before hand would things be different. And the answer I keep coming up with is... yes. And now I just feel empty. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't have any idea of what I am truly interested in. The only thing I wanted, my goal is now not attainable. And The one source of comfort I had is not there anymore. Im not in "good standing," what ever that means in their eyes. This whole semester I have been so bogged down, stuck in my depression and I know it should be easy to just get rid of, or just be happy but its really hard. And every time I think its getting better I get hit with something that pushes me back into the water. That sounds stupid but I just have no idea what to even do anymore. I thought I had all of this stuff figured out in high school. I did have it sorted out but this is new. This is the real world, and unfortunately Im just not cut out for it.

Its my twenty first birthday tomorrow. April 10. I don't really feel like celebrating anymore. I just don't see the point. I didn't from the begging but my friend talked me into going out. But now I just don't even want to. I don't want to see anyone. Im embarrassed, Im angry, Im sad. I had this whole preparation day, I did my nails, did a face mask, made sure my hair was silky and shinny. And here I am, crying, tying away trying to sort my feelings. My eyes red and raw, my nose swollen, nails unpainted and don't get me started on my hair. That seems trivial, but I did all this work because I was so excited and I wanted to look beautiful but I just took off the paint and glamour and I saw who I am, who Ive been for the past few months and didn't want to acknowledge.

I dont even know where this is going anymore. The one person I wanted here left me to go out somewhere. I pushed him away and Im an idiot. And I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to ruin his happiness. But I just want someone to hold me and tell me its alright. And to make me feel a little bit better.


"We live in a kingdom of bullshit," and you can't change it because you get swatted down like a fly.
"Its like this is all a game, and I haven't been told what the rules are."

Daily Diary 107: Service Trip Reflection

So for the past week I have been on a service trip, helping veterans on a farm as a form of rehabilitation. It has been hard work but its also been super humbling. From a young age I have always resonated with the armed forces. I had been taught to respect and help them when needed. They were idols in my eyes, people to look up to and to aspire to be. I'm older now but they are not any less the hero in my eyes. Of course you have the outliers and the Governments ideals woven into the fabric of the army but when it comes down to the people who are actually on the line, they will always have my respect. After working closely with the veterans on the farm this week I have gotten to understand more of the struggles these vets have returning home and the limited options they have to get help. It has really resonated with me, I want to do as much as I can to help make a change in order to get a variety of programs.

I understand to a certain degree about not having many options to get help and how little these programs do in order to help patients. My mother being an alcoholic has shown me how bad these programs are and how little is done to try and change them for them better. 

Daily Diary 105

I constantly fuck up, I say things before I think so it is bound to happen often. Which it does, I cant ever say the right thing. I am always saying things, I don't mean, that get me into trouble. I am also always taking things too far. I have been trying so hard to work on it but no matter what I do I still end up messing up in the end…Maybe I give my self too much credit, maybe I am just making exscuses up and giving my self a way out of the feelings that come with not having a filter and hurting the people around me. There should be an app that helps with the no filter, word vomit that occurs within me. Or maybe I just shouldn’t talk. Or maybe I should try a little bit harder to actually think before I speak. Probably the best choice out of those options but it doesn’t happen over night and I have gotten so much better over the past few months. I guess I will keep trying. 

Also, I’m sorry.

Daily Diary 104

Have you ever felt so lost and lonely that you just didn't know what to do with yourself. You don't know where to turn to and you don't know what to do. And in that moment you just give up, but you're mind keeps racing and your body starts to ache and you can't control anything and it all just seems to keep going around you and nothing seems to make sense and... I feel lonely. I feel like I don't have friends. I feel like I lean on my boyfriend too much. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I can't get my life together. I feel like I am going to be stuck in this hell that I call my life, with my sorry excuse for a family who doesn't care about me at all...and no one will help me and...I just feel lost and lonely and I don't know what I am doing anymore.

Daily Diary 103

Where to begin... a lot has happened to me over these past couple of months. I am not too sure where I left off in my last post but I guess I will start with I started dating someone new. We started to date in February and the relationship is still going strong. I am very happy with where I am at in this moment. Everything that has been going on has made me realize many things, like how guys should treat their girlfriends. He treats me like I am the only girl in the world for him, he also goes along with my fantasy that I'm a Queen, lol. I have also learned how to come out of my shell and do things that I would not normally do and it's all because of him. I truly like who I am when I am around him, I am confident in, not only my appearance, but also my ability to do things. I can take jokes better now, I am not super sensitive - I've grown thicker skin. Just overall I am so happy and I just like who I am. Plus my family really likes him so I am beyond thrilled. His family is also really sweet, and they are so nice to me. :)

I don't really know what else to write at this moment, I had a lot to say when coming on to my blog but now Im pretty content with what this post says so bye!

Daily Diary 102

So I am having a life crisis right now...one where I am not so sure where I want to go and what I really want to do in life. I am going one direction, the only direction I can go but I don't know if that is truly the path that I am supposed to be going down. I can't do anything else with my life. I don't know what I want to do. I am confused, and frustrated and I don't know where to turn. I am not good at anything, I can't do a ton of things many other people can. I am not smart enough to become a scientist, or a doctor or even a lawyer. I can't be a solider or a cop, I can't be a teacher because thats boring, I can't be an actor because I am too scared and its too competitive. I can't cook well, I can't do much and it is frustrating to me. I get bored so easily, but I want to be in college to learn, and I want to do something fun with my life, something spontaneous, exciting, something that will keep my interest and something that I am good at. But thats just it I'm not good at anything, I can copy things, I can take ideas, I can fuck things up. That's all I am good at and I don't know what to do.

Daily Diary 101

Dear Mom,

Here I am waiting by my window for you to come home. I have done this too many times that I have lost count, and to be honest I don't want to know that number. Once again you have fucked up and here I am cleaning the mess ion which you have made. I shouldn't do it, I really shouldn't but here I am helping you out once again. How many times are you going to put me through this? I know I can leave and not help you, but you are my mom and I just can't. I can't just leave you out to be slaughtered by the people who want to see you fail. I doth care how many time someone has said that he has been there way more than I ever have. He has done more damage to you then I ever have done, and I cleaned up every mess that he and you both have created. I don't understand why you keep doing this, I understand that it is a sickness but it just seems like you do no twang to be helped at all. Because you keep doing this again and again and again and even when we confront you on how much it is hurting everyone around you and how much damage you are doing to your self...you don't seem to want to do anything to help, because you don't want the help. That may not be true, I don't know but it just seems like you don't want any help and it is so annoying and so heart wrenching not to see you want help. You are killing yourself. Is that what you want? To die? Because that is surely coming soon? Do you want to go to jail? Because you driving around drunk is getting fucking ridiculous! You are either going to be picked up by the cops, you are going to hurt another family by killing someone or you are going to kill yourself. This has gone on far to long and it has to end. I don't even want to come home anymore because of all this fucking shit you are pulling. You cannot keep asking Uncle Paul to come get me because you are too drunk to come get me. And during those times I needed you, my mother, not the drunk fuck you were during my time of need. How many more things can you ruin for me. It's so embarrassing, this is why I hate being home, and why I hate coming home. I don't want to have to deal with this shit, like I have done for years now. And to put icing on top of that cake you are ruining Kyle's school life! He does not deserve to go through what I did. Do not give him bad memories of you, I beg you. You can't keep doing this because you are either going to kill yourself, get yourself thrown in jail, have your visiting rights to Kyle torn away along with your home being taken or you are going to lose your entire family. I cannot keep doing this mom, I just can't. I am at my wits end, and all you and the rest of the family does to me is make me so stressed that my mind gets all fucked up and hazy again. I refuse to go back to how I was in high school. I will not go through that again and if that means cutting all of you off I will, I already hate coming back and it is very easy for me to go elsewhere. This family has been something crazy for me for years now, I haven't felt very family like at all with you guys for a long time now. I have felt like the actors at my school were my family, i felt like the Bobinski's were my family. My groups of non-blood related friends have been more family like then what you guys have provided me. Harsh but true, I do have moments where I see we could have had an awesome family life if dad wasn't so crazy and you weren't an alcoholic and Kyle wasn't this angry kid and I wasn't so fucked up in the head. There have been so many things that I wish I could have done in high school, hang out really ate with my friends, stay out past curfew, drink at parties and get into trouble with you and dad. But I couldn't do that instead I was out worrying about your, taking care of Kyle, trying to calm dad down from his rages, trying to find you in the middle of the night. I didn't have a normal childhood, you and your drinking fumed me out of that one. And dads mind games fucked my head up. Between you two I stood no chance, I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know who to trust or where to go. You guys wore me down until I was nothing and all I had were my friends and my blog. That is why I never talked to you guys a lot! Thats why I got so attacked to my Fandoms and my books because they were something that I could latch onto, something that I could lose myself in, something that I could pretend I was apart of to not notice my reality. They brought new friends, new family members and people that I could pretend where always there for me. I don't know how to explain it but that was that. It is also why I want a tattoo of three ravens, one for each of the family members I lost. I feel like I have lost you guys, You to the bottle, dad to himself, and Kyle to the anger and shit welling up inside of him because of you both. I have tried so hard to change you guys, to help you all, I have tried to make things better for not only me but for everyone in this fucking family but it doesn't  work, none of it has worked. and I am running out of options here. I am ready to leave it all behind because I will not have you both dragging me down while I am trying to build my new life up. I need you in my life mom but if I have to I will cut you out of my life. I will always be there for Kyle but I will leave everyone else behind.